Visual Discharge

I'm Not Stalking You, Really

There's a guy at my gym who I'm assuming is unemployed as he's there in the middle of the afternoon for his workouts most days just like me. Often times we are the only ones in the weight room and it's hard not watch him workout when I'm resting between sets. Especially when he does squats or curls. It doesn't hurt that he's handsome and has big meaty guns. We have talked a few times, only really to clarify if either is using such and such equipment. He's nice and has a deep voice and smiles and makes clear eye contact when speaking. Qualities I like. I try not to watch and let my mind wander but he was doing a long set of incline-bench lying lat raises the other day and I had to draw up every ounce of self restraint not to mount him on that bench and hump his pert ass right then and there. If I were king of the jungle I'd make him my next meal. Until then I'll just admire his gains from over here with my beginner weights.

Mussy Face

Muscle Pussy! I want muscle pussy! I want to eat it, I want to fuck it and I want to be assfixiated by it! Some days working out just makes me so damn horny. It doesn't help that there was HOT mussy all over the gym today. Hot sweaty men lifting weights and working out. Damn I'm horny! I think a Rub & Tug is in order. Out Of My Way! Mussy! Mussy! Mussy!

The Old Lady Wants It

What I will give her is that she knows who to work with. I'm surprised that it's taken her this long to work with Pharell. I love his beats and style.

Show It To Me

Such a clasic from the early 90's. This will always set me free.

Fierce Trooping Queen

I've been that freak with all his windows down driving around blaring his music today. I can't stop playing this remix and I giggle the entire time because I imagine myself in a Stormtrooper helmet and fierce white heels on a runway somewhere model walking to this! Makes me smile every time. Or better yet I imagine some fashion show with all the models coming out at the end in Stormtrooper helmets. LOL I shopped for heels today at PayLess and I have to say their selection was for shit. Maybe I'm just a fussy fag but Hells No! Fugly! Fugly! Fugly! I really do need some new heels though. God I want to walk. (this video is pretty funny)

Ooooh I found the heels. ROFLMAO!! I looked on line and a real one of these full Stormtrooper costumes runs about $700. Those heels probably cost half that.

In Love With Josh

Beautiful smile. Great body. Nice arms. Uncut. Hairy ass.

He's just cute all over. He's my new fantasy lover.

Silly Hats ONLY

Manmercial

I looked at him. I looked away. I looked back at him. And now I can't stop looking at him. I mean really, He's On A Horse!!

His name is Isaiah Mustafa. His sexy voice and this great commercial make me want to smell just like him. I wonder what Old Spice bodywash actually smells like. Hmmmm

Wham Bam I Am A Man

Visual Discharge

Testosterone Shot + Squats = Super Horny!

Walking Disaster

These boys make me very happy with their uninhibited cuteness. Along with their playfulness this grove from Tiefschwarz makes my ass shake.

You're Doing It Wrong

I had a pretty tough day today. I just seem to be annoyed by or with everyone I interacted with and everyone on the road. I don't know if it was really them or if I just seemed to escalate each experience but nobody did anything right today. It was probably me. I decided I needed to come home and get out of the world of people and lucky for me my dad went to Disneyland early this morning on the train so there's no one at home.

I roasted a butternut squash for the first time tonight with some chicken and sauteed spinach for dinner. Delicious! Now I'm thinking about heading out to get some gelato and coming home to watch some mindless TV lat into the night. I haven't watched TV in months, other than a bit of the Winter Olympics. It's nice having the house to myself. It's so quiet I might not even watch TV.

Working It Out

I've got to run some errands, do some shopping, get some blood drawn for the Endocrinologist that I finally get see in two weeks and have another chest X-Ray done to check for any remains of the pneumonia/valley fever. Oh and I get my testosterone shot today yeah! That shot always makes me fell... um, more virile.

I've got to get a workout and an hour of cardio in after all that too. I'm working lower body today and adding squats to my workout, something I've definitely avoided since I've been back at the gym. I was reading last night how important squats are and because more than 200 muscles are involved in doing squats there is a surge in growth hormone and testosterone greater than any other weight related exercise. Bring on the quads and ass workout!

Serving Respect

God bless us queens. How much do I love Andy for singing about wanting respect in that outfit with those red pumps! You sing it lady! I respect you.

Fuck You Skinny Bitches

Working It Out

My workouts are getting better and much more regular and I'm feeling good. I still feel like a fat little piggy because I sweat so much and the majority of the guys in the weight room have tiny waists. I have to remember that if they went through what I did/am they'd have a pot belly and stretch marks too. I'm on the right track to loosing the weight and getting back into my 32" skinny girl Levis.
I'm doing a 9 week fat burning/strength training 3 day split with lots of cardio. I have to admit the weight room is a lot more interesting than the machine room, there are a lot of fine men at the Y. I wonder how many of them have full blown Christian values and how many are cock sucking faggots like me. The only gays I know there are the Mary's I have brought in. Probably better to keep it strictly ambiguous and weight training focussed rather than thinking of it as a breeding farm.

What Is Love Without Lust

Haunting and beautiful. This remix rocks!

Visual Discharge

Morning Funny

Buddha Says "NO"

Reflecting on today's retreat reminds me how much I really enjoy meditation and how much I really need to do more yoga. I have been meditating for about six years but only started doing yoga this past year. I can barely touch my toes on a good day and I sweat like a pedophile in a pediatricians office when I do sun salutations.

The retreat was focused on the Buddhist idea (and the healthcare professional need) of practicing exquisite empathy and maintaining healthy boundaries in our lives. Over the years I've gotten clearer on my boundaries and limits of involvement in situations and relationships. Having compassion for all sentient beings does not supersede my compassion and need to take care of myself. Sometimes not 'helping' or limiting my involvement, though seemingly selfish, is for the greater good. It's about knowing when to self care, after all, if I don't take care of myself how can I take care of you?

Taking care of my limits is a good thing.

The Knifeness

The Knife's new album is just amazing. Which is no surprise as Karin Dreijer Anderson is a genius freak! I'm listening to the album while I draft tonight. The album 'Tomorrow, in a Year' was written for the Darwin inspired opera of the same name.

Visual Discharge

Some delicious butt to go with Butters.

Depraved and Delicious

Oh god I hated the original version of this song and video but this is pure repetitive South Park remix genius!! This has been on repeat since I got home.

The Four Noble Truths

I'm off this morning To La Casa de Maria out in Montecito for a half day Mindfulness and Meta Meditation retreat. I've been looking forward to this all week.

1st truth is Suffering

Everybody suffers in this world. Some privately, some silently, some at the top of they're lungs, among friends, among strangers, even alone. Sadly we all suffer.

2nd truth of Origin

Identify the origin of spiritual and material suffering in life. Look at that thought. Allow yourself to understand your participation in it's creation.

3rd truth in Cessation

Healing is possible for all of us. Practice and realize the cessation of creating suffering. Stop feeding the fire! Let go.

4th truth is the path away from suffering

There is a way to end suffering. The Buddha's Noble Eightfold Path. Find it and follow it as your own.

Waking Dreams Of Men

The Mail Man Came

Nothing but bills!

Paved With Good Intentions

I still haven't gotten out of the house or to the gym and it's 12:30 already! I was up at 8am this morning with the intention of going to le gym early and having the rest of the day to draft. Instead I've been dicking around with emails and my pharmacy and doctors calls and now I'm waiting for the mail man to come so I can get my Fun-employment check and pay some bills and buy my scripts. I guess it'll be one of those 2pm gym days which actually turns out to be ok as that's when a lot of the man/boy beasts show up. There seem to be more and more of the good looking thick young men at the Y these days and a lot of them go in the middle of the afternoon. Maybe their unemployed like me. Whatever, it's nice inspiration in the weight room... um and the locker room. Mmmmmmm thick beasties. Ok I want to go to the gym right now! Maybe I'll have a rub n tug in the meantime.

An Arm Workout

I'm heading off to the gym to push some weights around so I can be big and strong like Mathew Barney. I do love me some big muscley arms like his. Actually theres nothing about him naked I don't like. Hard work and dedication with a whole lot of crazy genius! Definitely a muse!

Ass to Class

Heading off to my architectural drafting class which is every Thursday evening for 4 hours. The instructor is a bit goofy but I like the class. I actually love drafting it's cathartic for me. Happily there are two guys in the class that give me plenty to look at and think about when I'm not drawing straight lines or figuring out zoning on imaginary Santa Barbara properties. One guy in particular has piqued my fancy and he's super friendly and though I am not sure I think he might be in his 30's. I have no idea or need to know (yet) if he's a mo. So far he's been a talented draftsman, I like that about him, and that he smiles when he talks.

Visual Discharge

These are both just so adorable and kissable I'd like to snuggle with them all day. These pictures have been my alternating desktop backgrounds over the last few days. I can't decide which I love more. Ok yes I can.

I Will Be A Wonderful Day

The Knotted String

I'm having some mental confusion tonight trying to figure out what I want to post and say. I had such a great internal monologue during my cardio today and this evening my thoughts are so unfocused and jumbled. I'm bouncing around between sexual thoughts and the teachings of Buddha, images of cute little animals and crazy tumbler blogs. I have a monkey brain I know. I have a variety of likes and interests and drives and sometimes it's very easy for my brain to jump from one succinctly focused subject to a completely different one. I am ok with the subtle thread that runs through everything I do and like I just feel like I should be clear in my purpose in writing/posting this blog. I realize it's going to be all over the place if I really want to express myself and if it's going to be cathartic I'm going to have to not edit for who I imagine will be seeing it. This will be my little corner of the internet where my mind, thoughts and feelings can run wild. So, THERE WILL BE PORN and there will be SPIRITUALITY, there will be honesty and there will be flippant sass, there will be images and video and quotes and rantings from my muddled mind. It's all in my head and I want to get it out and that's just what I'm going to do.

But right now, I want clean clothes. Off to do laundry.

Visual Discharge

You're Screwed Up!

Cold Turkey

I wrote my last Facebook post for the next six weeks tonight. It was kind of painful and yet easy all in the same. I tend to spend a lot (read too much) time on The FB 'socializing' and have realized many times that it's been the majority of my 'socializing' since moving to Santa Barbara 4 years ago. It's fun and it does keep me connected with many people I otherwise wouldn't be in touch with, it's cute and it's easy and actually I find the Post/Response thing very fun but I need to balance it with more human interactions. So, I'm taking a break which just happens to coincide exactly with Lent.

I had a great chat with my mom the other day about habits, indulgence and sacrifice. She got me thinking about my power of giving up things that I crave and indulge in for the sake of "Mindful over Mindless" behavior. I've given it serious thought and am fasting from red meat and bread for the next six weeks. I'm also taking a six week hiatus from Facebook starting tomorrow morning.

Funny thing is I'm more nervous about not using Facebook to banter and keep in touch with people than I am about not eating bread or red meat. I know I'll manage. Also I've set this blog up as an outlet. I just hope I'm not trading a meth addiction for a crack addiction by starting a blog.

Ok off to bed.

Groovy Fever Ray Remix

They can smell me coming a mile away.

Ack! I went to see my dermatologist today, who I think is gay, but I haven't offered to suck his dick yet so I don't know for sure. Anyway, I've had some back, chest and arm acne for over a year that's been painful and bothering me. I've done numerous courses of different antibiotics and shit that hasn't worked so we're putting me on Acutane as of today. I had to go get a blood test to make sure my liver can handle the Acutane and the phlebotomist was a total pervert. Eying me up and down when I came in he said something to me about loving to get poked to which I uncomfortable giggled because I really didn't think I heard him right. Then he asked me if I wanted to lick the needle when he was done. How is it that all the weird ones find me? I'm not complaining mind you, I like the freaks! I myself am a card carrying freak and I'm glad when people are comfortable enough around me to be themselves but it just astounds me that they know. Do I really not "blend" or pass for "normal?" Am I just that approachable? Do I have FREAK written on my forehead?

Maybe this has something to do with why I fetishize normal straight laced conservative vanilla guys?